I’m on my final leg of this journey. I’m dirty. I’m exhausted. I’m sore. I feel beat up and raw. I also feel powerful and proud. I found a strength and openness I didn’t acknowledge before that I will carry with gratitude as I head towards home. Tomorrow.
Tomorrow I will be home.
I’ve spent 10,000 miles lost in my thoughts and emotions. I’ve been pushed and challenged. I’ve relied on myself and on others. I’ve felt connected and I’ve felt lost. I’ve searched for everything and searched for nothing. I’ve experienced weakness and I’ve experienced incredible strength.
My life is a pendulum of conflicting emotions. Most days, all at once.
Now, I both yearn for and dread going home. I crave comfort, but also know the only comfort I really want is no longer there. My bed and clean clothes will only provide me temporary relief for my tired and hurting body. I worry the strength I found on the road will disappear the second I walk through my door. I worry I will stop connecting. I worry I will hide in my grief and loneliness.
I am filled with anxiety and uncertainty. Uncertainty about myself, about my future, about my relationships. About it all. Everything I left behind still remains, waiting for me, unchanged. But I’ve changed. I am no longer the person I used to be. That person disappeared on January 22nd. I still don’t know who this new person is. I still don’t recognize her.
But tomorrow - tomorrow I head home. Tomorrow I will begin to find out...
5/13/2017 05:40:30 am
One day or moment at a time. I keep saying it, but remember to breathe. Seriously. I lost my brother to cancer after a horrific 6 month battle 24 years ago this month. There is no right or wrong way to do this. I'm here for you if you need to talk, with a beverage in hand. Safe travels.
5/18/2017 05:02:57 am
Thank you for your beautiful honesty and articulation. You have too many friends and family that love you for you to get lost in loneliness. Especially your in your face Mother. Give yourself whatever time you need to feel and acknowledge your grief so that it will lose its power over you and what remains is the love and beauty that Brad gave you. We who love you see your awesomeness clearly. We are a phone call away (or soon to be closer) to remind you.
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